Sunday, January 19, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Mistakes were made.
Not really a good way to start off my New Year by not fulfilling a promise but it's not really that big a deal because I'm doing it now! If you're just tuning in please go read the last 2 posts (scroll on down) and then read this one, one of which is one of my Graffiti article submissions. Unfortunately I've only submitted 2 articles this time around which I'm kind of disappointed about. Mainly because last time I wrote around 5 articles I think, 1 of which was published because the others are being saved for other issues. I'm hoping they'll pop up this time around because I'd love for people to read and criticize and discuss my work in a public medium. Just like what I expected out of this blog but it's different because I only get a comment once in a blue moon, whereas Graffiti articles get singled out and spread much easier. Anyways, onto the love story.
In my short speck of a lifetime I've had 1 actual physical relationship, by that I mean I knew the person and they were physically with me unlike a long distance relationship. I've had flings here and there but I wouldn't consider them relationships, in my opinion a relationship is a bond between two people that lasts for several months at minimum and there's a clear understanding of the feelings for each other at some point. I can't recall how many long distance relationships I've had or attempted, but there's been one that sticks out in my mind the most.
It lasted around 4 years or so and started in the Summer of grade 9 I believe. We met believe it or not on this app called "Thumbs Up" I think. This wasn't some teenage dating app, it was a community made of people that put a thumbs up or thumbs down on any posted opinion with an accommodating picture. She posted a question that read "Are you an extrovert or an introvert?" . At the time I wasn't too familiar with where I placed myself on that scale so I just said "Extrovert all the way!!!" and things rolled from there. I had no idea what those words meant entirely but I just went for it, that's when I realized how beautiful she really was. And I'm not saying she was SMOKIN' HOT, no no it was much more than that. This was an innocent and lovely kind of beautiful. She had the kind of face that you'd love to wake up to, the one you'd NEED to see every day to remind yourself that everything is going to be just fine. This was around the time that my brother was coming back from his job in Central Canada and moving in back home for some time. He needed help/company driving his stuff halfway across Canada and so I obliged. I had never been on a roadtrip that was THIS large in distance, we got to see some of the Great Lakes and swim in them even.
To start off the trip I had to fly over to the nearest airport where my brother was waiting and the trip there was an amazing start. The reason being is because I had an amazing view of some clouds as the plane started climbing higher and higher. Their compositions just looked like castles and obscure structures, it honestly looked like Heaven to me or at least it is now my visual representation of Heaven whenever I think about it. It's a shame I didn't have my camera although I doubt it would've done the view any justice, ah well. Anyways back to the story, so we met up at the airport and started to drive. Keep in mind that this was around the time that we had already started to get to know each other a bit. Not sure where the flirting was going at that point but I wouldn't put it past myself to say that it was nonexistent. On the road of course there was no WiFi and back in the day I had an iPod touch. So whenever we came up to a rest stop I eagerly went right to my iPod and searched for any messages that she hopefully sent.
After the trip we kept talking on and off whenever we could. Once school started to talk it was a bit harder because her system of education where she lives is really different compared to the one in Canada. I really started to become more intrigued as we talked more and more. There was an air of mystery the way she talked, it was a combination of incredible vocabulary and great syntax. She was the first introvert that I had ever talked to and gotten to know personally.It's a major jump from talking to an introvert and talking to someone that isn't one. You can't approach an introvert the same way that you would any other person. Here's a useful cartoon I found a couple weeks back that helped me understand more about introverts:
It's as vertical as it is useful, trust me it's worth a read. And so of course through our conversations talks of just about everything arose. Education systems, historic facts, word definitions, movies, etc. From dusk til dawn we talked at any open opportunity. Waking up became a passtime for me, first thing I'd do is go on my iPod and wish her a "Good Morning" and then I wouldn't say "Goodnight" until around 12 or however long I convinced her to stay up. I quickly picked up on her "tendencies". Sometimes she'd go several days without talking and then appear as if nothing happened. Unfortunately I didn't truly understand what an introvert was at the time so my only rational reaction that I saw at the time was to give her the cold shoulder. From her point of view she wasn't doing anything wrong and I was just being a douche.
And so this continued on until I flew to Russia in November I believe for my Brother's wedding. It was around that time that I couldn't stand her "actions" anymore, I couldn't bear having emotions for someone that seemed to not want me in the first place. Looking back that night that we talked before my flight back to Toronto was the dumbest decision that I have ever made in our ongoing relationship. By that I mean 2 people knowing each other and not necessarily holding feelings for each other, well not all the time. That night I decided to break off anything I had after 4 months' worth of talking and spending time "together". It was the first time that I had made a girl cry since middleschool, once again it was the most gut wrenching feeling ever. She didn't understand why I had done this, she could only see her point of view.
Thankfully it wasn't a permanent break, even after all the choices I made and words I said I still couldn't get enough of her. She's the kind of girl that you'd walk by in the city and do a double take, then check if she's with anybody and realize that this is an opportunity at something amazing. This was an opportunity to meet someone new, discover an incredible way at seeing life, share months worth of Skype conversations, send each other letters, etc. But then you just walk away from it because ...and you don't even know the because. You just miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime and her face is now forever in your head and the feeling is impossible to ignore. So you avoid all pictures and contact and anything that remotely reminds you of her to make yourself forget that it ever happened. But you can't because at the end of the day she isn't there to wish you Goodnight. On most days it seemed like a common occurrence to get that, now it has become a luxury.
This binge happened a couple of times unfortunately, 1 too many. And the funny thing is she never got mad at me, not once did she swear at me or yell or even seem pissed off. She just went about being herself, her perfect self. Time went on and she got interested in other guys, the mutual agreement was that we'd eventually meet up after Highschool but we'd see other people in the meantime. When she had an interest I was single, when she was single I had an interest. Terrible timing at its best I should say. In late Grade 11 I found myself in a relationship and felt like I was on top of the world. But really that's when things diverged the most and made it all so confusing. My current girlfriend had known of my long distance friend, naturally any person in her position would think that I still had feelings for her after I told my GF the backstory of how we met and what we're "up to" now. I would've reacted the exact same way in her position. That didn't help my confusion, I really liked my girlfriend but what did that say for my feelings of the long distance "friend"? I just suppressed the whole thing and focused all my energy on the current relationship and hoped everything would work out in the end. Well it ended in the Summer and so that was it, my first relationship of around 4 months or so was gone in 1 conversation as most relationships end.
With that done I didn't know what to do with the long distance girl now. We'll call her Anna actually, tired of talking about her as if she doesn't have a name. I wasn't sure of what my next move would be, would Anna have the same feelings for me still knowing I was in a relationship? Now that I knew what it was really like to see other people did I want to keep doing it until the end of Highschool? Should I just "save" myself for her and see what happens from there? I still don't remember making that decision or any of them. All I knew was that my feelings for Anna were growing exponentially, the further away we got the more I wanted her company. Imagine living 24hrs from someone, all it took was 1 day's trip to get there. There are 365 days in the year, many of which are wasted in our year. And all it took was 1 day, 24 hours to get to her. It's a terrible thing to be in that position, the amount of yearning is almost unbearable. Summer had passed and we talked an increasing amount of time, much more than before.
By then our relationship was stronger than ever, big enough to incorporate love. For many years I had no idea what that word meant, and I still probably can't define it with words (and won't bother to, knowing the feeling is enough for me) Fuck I hate writing about this shit, makes me sound like such a sappy bastard. Look whatever I felt at the time I didn't understand about, in fact I was uncertain about using the L word in the beginning. Then I said it a couple more times and it just felt commonplace, but I did not understand the true meaning of that word until now. We kept talking steadily through the Grade 11 year but things got more rough. I began to understand her personality more so I wasn't as ignorant as before thankfully, but I was still frustrated. Unfortunately I let the word "love" escalate to the point where I questioned her about it and one thing after another we stopped talking. I clearly took it too seriously and didn't bother to realize to really think about the consequences of my actions. Instead I went on with my life until we picked up conversation again and it was as if it happened but she accepted it. At that moment I truly realized how special she was, even after all THAT bullshit she still stuck with me. A halfwit that doesn't even have a quarter the vocabulary or mental ability as her, the worst joke teller ever, and just this guy that it often ignored she decided to stick with.
But it wasn't all smooth sailing from there, more complications arose and it was on my birthday that we had our last conversation. Probably the worst way to end off your birthday too, with the most bitter goodbye that I ever uttered. It wasn't even a major deal over what I said happened. I'm not the type of guy that would get his locker decorated on his birthday, most people don't even know when my birthday is. But that goes for almost everyone so you know how I feel. I'm not looking for pity or attention, you wanted to know my motivation behind my actions and now you know. Clearly getting a birthday greeting was truly special to me and so I reacted extremely negatively when she didn't wish me a happy birthday. Don't get out the pitchforks or say "OMG that bitch" because you'd be as wrong as I was that day. Now that I think about that day more and more I realize that she probably did say Happy Birthday but I overlooked it in my Inbox or something like that. Either way it was the biggest mistake that I have made thus far, stopping a relationship like that with 1 conversation.
It wasn't until after did it dawn on me did I realize the true extent of my actions. No more random letters to make your day extraordinary. No more 1AM Skype calls filled with inside jokes you've developed over several months. No more "Good Mornings" and "Good Nights" from the person that it meant most from. No more her, that was it. Months ago I started remembering the whole ordeal and reminiscing on how things were before and I realized what love really meant. Love means more than gifting something to each other. It means doing it for no reason other than for the sake of doing it for the person. And this gift isn't just something tangible, it's a random picture that makes them laugh to no end. It's a random message in the night telling you what you mean to them. It's all that and more. It's the ability to time and time again look at that person and go back to them no matter what they've done and no matter the circumstances. Overlooking all their mistakes and curses and anything bad they ever did and saying "It's ok, you're still here and that's all that matters." And looking back on what the relationship held for the both of us, I like to think that it was love.
Saying that word makes me feel like a shitty writer let alone a writer actually. It's such an overused word that it has no meaning yet only now do I realize what it truly means after saying "I love...." endlessly about my everyday objects and tasks. But really now it means something extraordinary to me. So, what now? Do I go on and message the girl and apologize for everything and hope she takes me back? Listen hun, this ain't a fairy tale. This poorly written piece of shit post that does absolutely no justice to what Anna helped me realize will not change a thing. She's most likely moved on or just pushed back the whole experience so far that she can't physically go back to the way things were. Hell I probably can't either. She probably has a new beau too, I wouldn't put it past her if she did, she's the kind of attractive that you wouldn't mind waking up to every morning: the rare kind. It wouldn't be fair to her if I wanted to try to turn things back to the way they were, not that it's possible anyways. So why in the world did I write this post? For the same reason I write every post. So that you the audience can connect, interact, think, etc. about it and do something with it. Mostly it's to get my feelings out, but as I said before these giant bricks of text won't do her justice. The only reason that I'd message her at this point is to tell her about this post and if she doesn't want it up I'll take it down because she has every right to do that. If that's the case then chances are she's read up until this part, fuck now I ran out of stuff to write. Um, hi? Don't really know what to say at this point, I hope you like the music on the side and that you're doing great. And that you're happy, that too, anyways I'm just gonna go now.
Cheers, MarkL
P.S. Now I just feel like the most awkward shit ever. No idea what to do with myself after writing that, it's probably not fair to her that I did all this. Fuck. If it's one thing that I regret is stopping all conversations with her. Things could be better for the both of us even with friendship, they could be.
In my short speck of a lifetime I've had 1 actual physical relationship, by that I mean I knew the person and they were physically with me unlike a long distance relationship. I've had flings here and there but I wouldn't consider them relationships, in my opinion a relationship is a bond between two people that lasts for several months at minimum and there's a clear understanding of the feelings for each other at some point. I can't recall how many long distance relationships I've had or attempted, but there's been one that sticks out in my mind the most.
It lasted around 4 years or so and started in the Summer of grade 9 I believe. We met believe it or not on this app called "Thumbs Up" I think. This wasn't some teenage dating app, it was a community made of people that put a thumbs up or thumbs down on any posted opinion with an accommodating picture. She posted a question that read "Are you an extrovert or an introvert?" . At the time I wasn't too familiar with where I placed myself on that scale so I just said "Extrovert all the way!!!" and things rolled from there. I had no idea what those words meant entirely but I just went for it, that's when I realized how beautiful she really was. And I'm not saying she was SMOKIN' HOT, no no it was much more than that. This was an innocent and lovely kind of beautiful. She had the kind of face that you'd love to wake up to, the one you'd NEED to see every day to remind yourself that everything is going to be just fine. This was around the time that my brother was coming back from his job in Central Canada and moving in back home for some time. He needed help/company driving his stuff halfway across Canada and so I obliged. I had never been on a roadtrip that was THIS large in distance, we got to see some of the Great Lakes and swim in them even.
To start off the trip I had to fly over to the nearest airport where my brother was waiting and the trip there was an amazing start. The reason being is because I had an amazing view of some clouds as the plane started climbing higher and higher. Their compositions just looked like castles and obscure structures, it honestly looked like Heaven to me or at least it is now my visual representation of Heaven whenever I think about it. It's a shame I didn't have my camera although I doubt it would've done the view any justice, ah well. Anyways back to the story, so we met up at the airport and started to drive. Keep in mind that this was around the time that we had already started to get to know each other a bit. Not sure where the flirting was going at that point but I wouldn't put it past myself to say that it was nonexistent. On the road of course there was no WiFi and back in the day I had an iPod touch. So whenever we came up to a rest stop I eagerly went right to my iPod and searched for any messages that she hopefully sent.
After the trip we kept talking on and off whenever we could. Once school started to talk it was a bit harder because her system of education where she lives is really different compared to the one in Canada. I really started to become more intrigued as we talked more and more. There was an air of mystery the way she talked, it was a combination of incredible vocabulary and great syntax. She was the first introvert that I had ever talked to and gotten to know personally.It's a major jump from talking to an introvert and talking to someone that isn't one. You can't approach an introvert the same way that you would any other person. Here's a useful cartoon I found a couple weeks back that helped me understand more about introverts:
It's as vertical as it is useful, trust me it's worth a read. And so of course through our conversations talks of just about everything arose. Education systems, historic facts, word definitions, movies, etc. From dusk til dawn we talked at any open opportunity. Waking up became a passtime for me, first thing I'd do is go on my iPod and wish her a "Good Morning" and then I wouldn't say "Goodnight" until around 12 or however long I convinced her to stay up. I quickly picked up on her "tendencies". Sometimes she'd go several days without talking and then appear as if nothing happened. Unfortunately I didn't truly understand what an introvert was at the time so my only rational reaction that I saw at the time was to give her the cold shoulder. From her point of view she wasn't doing anything wrong and I was just being a douche.
And so this continued on until I flew to Russia in November I believe for my Brother's wedding. It was around that time that I couldn't stand her "actions" anymore, I couldn't bear having emotions for someone that seemed to not want me in the first place. Looking back that night that we talked before my flight back to Toronto was the dumbest decision that I have ever made in our ongoing relationship. By that I mean 2 people knowing each other and not necessarily holding feelings for each other, well not all the time. That night I decided to break off anything I had after 4 months' worth of talking and spending time "together". It was the first time that I had made a girl cry since middleschool, once again it was the most gut wrenching feeling ever. She didn't understand why I had done this, she could only see her point of view.
Thankfully it wasn't a permanent break, even after all the choices I made and words I said I still couldn't get enough of her. She's the kind of girl that you'd walk by in the city and do a double take, then check if she's with anybody and realize that this is an opportunity at something amazing. This was an opportunity to meet someone new, discover an incredible way at seeing life, share months worth of Skype conversations, send each other letters, etc. But then you just walk away from it because ...and you don't even know the because. You just miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime and her face is now forever in your head and the feeling is impossible to ignore. So you avoid all pictures and contact and anything that remotely reminds you of her to make yourself forget that it ever happened. But you can't because at the end of the day she isn't there to wish you Goodnight. On most days it seemed like a common occurrence to get that, now it has become a luxury.
This binge happened a couple of times unfortunately, 1 too many. And the funny thing is she never got mad at me, not once did she swear at me or yell or even seem pissed off. She just went about being herself, her perfect self. Time went on and she got interested in other guys, the mutual agreement was that we'd eventually meet up after Highschool but we'd see other people in the meantime. When she had an interest I was single, when she was single I had an interest. Terrible timing at its best I should say. In late Grade 11 I found myself in a relationship and felt like I was on top of the world. But really that's when things diverged the most and made it all so confusing. My current girlfriend had known of my long distance friend, naturally any person in her position would think that I still had feelings for her after I told my GF the backstory of how we met and what we're "up to" now. I would've reacted the exact same way in her position. That didn't help my confusion, I really liked my girlfriend but what did that say for my feelings of the long distance "friend"? I just suppressed the whole thing and focused all my energy on the current relationship and hoped everything would work out in the end. Well it ended in the Summer and so that was it, my first relationship of around 4 months or so was gone in 1 conversation as most relationships end.
With that done I didn't know what to do with the long distance girl now. We'll call her Anna actually, tired of talking about her as if she doesn't have a name. I wasn't sure of what my next move would be, would Anna have the same feelings for me still knowing I was in a relationship? Now that I knew what it was really like to see other people did I want to keep doing it until the end of Highschool? Should I just "save" myself for her and see what happens from there? I still don't remember making that decision or any of them. All I knew was that my feelings for Anna were growing exponentially, the further away we got the more I wanted her company. Imagine living 24hrs from someone, all it took was 1 day's trip to get there. There are 365 days in the year, many of which are wasted in our year. And all it took was 1 day, 24 hours to get to her. It's a terrible thing to be in that position, the amount of yearning is almost unbearable. Summer had passed and we talked an increasing amount of time, much more than before.
By then our relationship was stronger than ever, big enough to incorporate love. For many years I had no idea what that word meant, and I still probably can't define it with words (and won't bother to, knowing the feeling is enough for me) Fuck I hate writing about this shit, makes me sound like such a sappy bastard. Look whatever I felt at the time I didn't understand about, in fact I was uncertain about using the L word in the beginning. Then I said it a couple more times and it just felt commonplace, but I did not understand the true meaning of that word until now. We kept talking steadily through the Grade 11 year but things got more rough. I began to understand her personality more so I wasn't as ignorant as before thankfully, but I was still frustrated. Unfortunately I let the word "love" escalate to the point where I questioned her about it and one thing after another we stopped talking. I clearly took it too seriously and didn't bother to realize to really think about the consequences of my actions. Instead I went on with my life until we picked up conversation again and it was as if it happened but she accepted it. At that moment I truly realized how special she was, even after all THAT bullshit she still stuck with me. A halfwit that doesn't even have a quarter the vocabulary or mental ability as her, the worst joke teller ever, and just this guy that it often ignored she decided to stick with.
But it wasn't all smooth sailing from there, more complications arose and it was on my birthday that we had our last conversation. Probably the worst way to end off your birthday too, with the most bitter goodbye that I ever uttered. It wasn't even a major deal over what I said happened. I'm not the type of guy that would get his locker decorated on his birthday, most people don't even know when my birthday is. But that goes for almost everyone so you know how I feel. I'm not looking for pity or attention, you wanted to know my motivation behind my actions and now you know. Clearly getting a birthday greeting was truly special to me and so I reacted extremely negatively when she didn't wish me a happy birthday. Don't get out the pitchforks or say "OMG that bitch" because you'd be as wrong as I was that day. Now that I think about that day more and more I realize that she probably did say Happy Birthday but I overlooked it in my Inbox or something like that. Either way it was the biggest mistake that I have made thus far, stopping a relationship like that with 1 conversation.
It wasn't until after did it dawn on me did I realize the true extent of my actions. No more random letters to make your day extraordinary. No more 1AM Skype calls filled with inside jokes you've developed over several months. No more "Good Mornings" and "Good Nights" from the person that it meant most from. No more her, that was it. Months ago I started remembering the whole ordeal and reminiscing on how things were before and I realized what love really meant. Love means more than gifting something to each other. It means doing it for no reason other than for the sake of doing it for the person. And this gift isn't just something tangible, it's a random picture that makes them laugh to no end. It's a random message in the night telling you what you mean to them. It's all that and more. It's the ability to time and time again look at that person and go back to them no matter what they've done and no matter the circumstances. Overlooking all their mistakes and curses and anything bad they ever did and saying "It's ok, you're still here and that's all that matters." And looking back on what the relationship held for the both of us, I like to think that it was love.
Saying that word makes me feel like a shitty writer let alone a writer actually. It's such an overused word that it has no meaning yet only now do I realize what it truly means after saying "I love...." endlessly about my everyday objects and tasks. But really now it means something extraordinary to me. So, what now? Do I go on and message the girl and apologize for everything and hope she takes me back? Listen hun, this ain't a fairy tale. This poorly written piece of shit post that does absolutely no justice to what Anna helped me realize will not change a thing. She's most likely moved on or just pushed back the whole experience so far that she can't physically go back to the way things were. Hell I probably can't either. She probably has a new beau too, I wouldn't put it past her if she did, she's the kind of attractive that you wouldn't mind waking up to every morning: the rare kind. It wouldn't be fair to her if I wanted to try to turn things back to the way they were, not that it's possible anyways. So why in the world did I write this post? For the same reason I write every post. So that you the audience can connect, interact, think, etc. about it and do something with it. Mostly it's to get my feelings out, but as I said before these giant bricks of text won't do her justice. The only reason that I'd message her at this point is to tell her about this post and if she doesn't want it up I'll take it down because she has every right to do that. If that's the case then chances are she's read up until this part, fuck now I ran out of stuff to write. Um, hi? Don't really know what to say at this point, I hope you like the music on the side and that you're doing great. And that you're happy, that too, anyways I'm just gonna go now.
Cheers, MarkL
P.S. Now I just feel like the most awkward shit ever. No idea what to do with myself after writing that, it's probably not fair to her that I did all this. Fuck. If it's one thing that I regret is stopping all conversations with her. Things could be better for the both of us even with friendship, they could be.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
New Year's Resolutions
In the North American culture there seems to be a date for
everything. Spring Cleaning, March Break, Groundhog day, etc. The reason I say
North American and not “our” is because I immigrated to this country 9 years
ago, going on my 10th after the New Year. Therefore the whole idea
of resolutions made when the New Year comes seems irrelevant for me because of
my perspective. Weren’t we all taught to always be better people or strive to
achieve that goal? Then again just because we were taught that doesn’t
necessarily mean we will do it justice, just like many of the resolutions
people choose to “stick” with. Why put aside 1 day to create future goals that
you want to strive towards? If you wait for that 1 day all year long in order to
try to change yourself then what does that say about your ability to follow up
on those resolutions?
The idea of New Year’s resolutions seems absurd to me in
general. Why take time once a year to set goals that you won’t follow? How
could you possibly follow up on this multitude of goals? I don’t know about you
guys but the last time I did New Year’s resolutions it ended up going like
this: I wrote a list of things that I wanted to achieve during the New Year,
crossed some out and added some in whilst noticing how excruciatingly long the
list was, and never accomplishing all of them let alone 3 or 4. Call it what
you want because it does look like I just gave up on New Year’s resolutions,
and I did. Not in the change however, rather the yearly and recklessness part
of it.
As human beings we are linked hand in hand with the idea of
change. We fear it and do not welcome it at first and if decisions are made at
this point they are often times irrational and lack logic. Given time however
we can then make rational decisions which tend to have better outcomes than the
first time around. Whether we agree with change or not is irrelevant, it’ll
always be here whether we like it or not. On a grand scale it’ll always exist,
clouds will shift and the sun will continue to set beyond our control. But
often times the hardest change that comes into our lives is what we have
control over: workout habits, time management, grades, etc. What most of us
don’t realize is that it takes more to change yourself than writing a couple
words down or setting up reminders to do things. People will tell you that
there are shortcuts and secrets to the idea of change and how you can achieve
it fast but that’s all bullshit in the end. The only valid idea about change is
the following quote from one of the world’s greatest philosophers “The secret
of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on
building the new.” - Socrates.
Change isn’t about replacing one habit with another. You
can’t quit Candy Crush by sending crude selfies on Snapchat. Killing fire with
another fire just makes more fire in the end. Instead you have to replace the
old habit with something more productive. A more realistic would be rehab
patients, those that make it out often times take up knitting or photography or
any hobby that takes time out of their day that would regularly be used on
drugs. Although that is a very extreme example when it comes to New Year’s
resolutions for the average student but there is definitely something useful
there. So be careful when setting out to make these resolutions, I personally
do not enjoy disappointing myself especially let alone others with broken
promises. They just pile up and serve as a permanent reminder whenever you
remember all your past mistakes right before you go to sleep. So to avoid that
put your focus on one thing at a time and understand the change that has to be
made. “I want to get a 90 average by the end of the year.” This means that
you’re going to have to give up a lot of things: watching TV, partying, Tumblr,
etc. Unless you can manage to uphold that high of an average as well as all
those distractions, if so then kudos to you! Know what steps need to be made
for the change to happen successfully, and finally of course follow through
with the change. It has to be constant otherwise it won’t become habitual,
reading a book once in a while won’t make much of a reader out of you.
All of that being said, and there’s a lot being said I know,
you can follow up on your resolutions however you like of course. But if it’s
one thing I urge is to make it a constant task, search out resolutions one by
one that you have power over and change. It’s better to get it over and done
with now rather than waiting for your Mid-life crisis. Here’s a proverb to end it
off “The best time to plant a tree was 5 years ago, the second best time is
now.”
Cheers, MarkL
This Internal Life
It is currently 12:42AM and I am sitting here with a glass of Rye nearby with already a glass of wine and champagne circulating my system. Clacking away at my brand new gaming keyboard to the beat of Crazy by "Gnarls Barkley" and I couldn't possibly be doing anything better right now. Well maybe I could, money would be nice. There's a story that I've been meaning to tell the past couple weeks or so. I've been putting it off because lazyness, that and I haven't really felt like writing which I now realize is complete bullshit. Before when I started writing lyrics (which I should REALLY get around to doing again) I forced myself the first few times and just kept at it. Soon became a habit and then later just seemed something normal that I did occasionally. It was still tough to pump out a verse or two when I didn't feel inspired but it gave me more practice. Otherwise if you keep waiting for inspiration and not do anything, then it'll float on by and you won't even notice it. So I'll write that in tonight even if it kills me.
I haven't really written about anything personal about myself in the last few posts, or maybe I half but I've probably forgotten it at this point. It might be the alcohol talking but I've felt really empty on the inside lately. And this is something that has transpired over the last few months. It started something as little as noticing little details in my everyday life that I'd often times miss and just look at them in great detail. I spent too much time thinking and not enough time doing other things and it turns out it can make you jump to crazy conclusions if you let it. Taking philosophy helped me dwell deeper into that state of mind where I just feel insignificant and can explain it, Earth & Space class also played a part in that. Here's a couple of facts to help you kind of understand the state that I was in. The number "pi" is infinite. Often times we dismiss what the word "infinite" really means. It means that if we gave the numbers in π a physical measurement (like 1mm for example) it'd still be bigger than the entire planet. That means that if we gave each number a corresponding letter than eventually in that endless combination the complete works of Shakespeare would be written as well as every possible conversation that you've ever had in your life. Here's another fact, the moon outside your window (or wherever you see it) is the exact same one that you saw when you failed your first test and "survived" the night with your parents. It's the exact same one that's been there all this time through all your crying fits, all your crying laughter, and every experience that human beings have had in ALL of our lifetimes. Here's another, by the time that you've finished reading this the Earth has spun you 14,000 metres. Those stars that you see in the night sky? That's just their light from several HUNDREDS of light years away. As human beings we can't even get close to light speed, the fastest we've gotten is 1/3 that speed in the Hadron Collider. These types of thoughts and many others sent me downwards into a spiral of never ending melancholy of insignificance. That and the fact that I began to reconsider my future which wasn't the best of timing. I wasn't looking at suicide as an option mind you, I'm not reckless with my thoughts. So my only logical option then was to see my Philosophy teacher about that, who else would have better answers than someone that debates the meaning of life? Well the argument of nihilism (nothing matters) came up of course and he suggested that I read a book (which I am) called "The Myth of Sisyphus" written by a French Philosopher. It debates the idea of nihilism as well as the absurdity of suicide, here's a lovely quote "To kill oneself is to allow both life and death to have had dominion over oneself." and "Death only becomes a problem for those religious believers who see life as something more than material existence, which is why Christians must announce that death is conquered." Monsieur Camus presents some well thought out ideas in the book that we often don't think about. It has definitely helped me with my "issue" of thinking too much, I just have to find meaning in my life. But how , you say, could I do that? People spend their entire lives searching for meaning and some die not finding it, so how could a lone teenage boy find it? It's simple: I can't and I won't. I'm not going to bother searching for something that can't be found. It exists and will continue to inside of me somewhere, it'll come out when the time is right and I'll realize it then. No use in trying to pull it out by alternative means. You see, some people have religion or any faith to fall back on. And I'm not trying to say that I'm unique amongst 7 Billion others, but it's definitely not the same I can imagine having no solid faith in anything compared to others. If anything really I'm stripped to the essentials: me, myself, and I.
When you realize that nothing is necessary or absolute it's an interesting place. Because you start to question everything and anything that happens. There's no guideline or rulebook that says that Monday's are terrible and Friday's are our days off, yet millions of us continue to think that way. And I don't blame them, I used to think like that too but then I got sick that one time for 3 weeks. You guys remember that? I described the experience as an extraordinary education in my sense of time. Days flew by fast as my fever rose and shit just started hallucinating occasionally, lost A LOT of sleep those few weeks. But when I got healthier and started regaining my sense of time I realized how little it all meant. While I was grocery shopping at 2 my classmates were writing a math test, nothing was obligatory and I had all the time I could ever want in my hands for those few days. It really broke the schedule that is school life, and I mean the whole year. All the PA days, winter/summer breaks, field trips, etc. All of that fits into a early schedule where the year starts off in September and then ends in the Summer, but really doesn't the year start in January and end in December? I'm more of a visual learner so when I thought of this concept I imagined several sheets of calendar paper lines up horizontally, September being the farthest on the left and then August farthest on the right. But then there's a split almost halfway down the line: January. So which timeline would you follow? January or September? And who says that the New Year is symbolic anyways? EVERY day is New Year's if you believe that to be so, some people don't celebrate it anyways. But on the other hand we do need symbolism in our lives otherwise the meaning would fade and we'd lose a piece of our humanity. Anyways, enough of that I've done more than enough thinking for the both of us at this point.
Yeah I don't have enough time to write the story tonight, it'd have to take up an entire post and there's more than enough text already. So I guess I'll post it in the next post, probably tomorrow. In the meantime just read over what I wrote and think about it. The 2nd component to an experience is what you think of it and your opinions of it, otherwise it's just an event and not an experience. I hope you guys enjoyed the music that I posted, I'll add another video I just found about the idea of mortality. Here's to 2014!
Cheers, MarkL
I haven't really written about anything personal about myself in the last few posts, or maybe I half but I've probably forgotten it at this point. It might be the alcohol talking but I've felt really empty on the inside lately. And this is something that has transpired over the last few months. It started something as little as noticing little details in my everyday life that I'd often times miss and just look at them in great detail. I spent too much time thinking and not enough time doing other things and it turns out it can make you jump to crazy conclusions if you let it. Taking philosophy helped me dwell deeper into that state of mind where I just feel insignificant and can explain it, Earth & Space class also played a part in that. Here's a couple of facts to help you kind of understand the state that I was in. The number "pi" is infinite. Often times we dismiss what the word "infinite" really means. It means that if we gave the numbers in π a physical measurement (like 1mm for example) it'd still be bigger than the entire planet. That means that if we gave each number a corresponding letter than eventually in that endless combination the complete works of Shakespeare would be written as well as every possible conversation that you've ever had in your life. Here's another fact, the moon outside your window (or wherever you see it) is the exact same one that you saw when you failed your first test and "survived" the night with your parents. It's the exact same one that's been there all this time through all your crying fits, all your crying laughter, and every experience that human beings have had in ALL of our lifetimes. Here's another, by the time that you've finished reading this the Earth has spun you 14,000 metres. Those stars that you see in the night sky? That's just their light from several HUNDREDS of light years away. As human beings we can't even get close to light speed, the fastest we've gotten is 1/3 that speed in the Hadron Collider. These types of thoughts and many others sent me downwards into a spiral of never ending melancholy of insignificance. That and the fact that I began to reconsider my future which wasn't the best of timing. I wasn't looking at suicide as an option mind you, I'm not reckless with my thoughts. So my only logical option then was to see my Philosophy teacher about that, who else would have better answers than someone that debates the meaning of life? Well the argument of nihilism (nothing matters) came up of course and he suggested that I read a book (which I am) called "The Myth of Sisyphus" written by a French Philosopher. It debates the idea of nihilism as well as the absurdity of suicide, here's a lovely quote "To kill oneself is to allow both life and death to have had dominion over oneself." and "Death only becomes a problem for those religious believers who see life as something more than material existence, which is why Christians must announce that death is conquered." Monsieur Camus presents some well thought out ideas in the book that we often don't think about. It has definitely helped me with my "issue" of thinking too much, I just have to find meaning in my life. But how , you say, could I do that? People spend their entire lives searching for meaning and some die not finding it, so how could a lone teenage boy find it? It's simple: I can't and I won't. I'm not going to bother searching for something that can't be found. It exists and will continue to inside of me somewhere, it'll come out when the time is right and I'll realize it then. No use in trying to pull it out by alternative means. You see, some people have religion or any faith to fall back on. And I'm not trying to say that I'm unique amongst 7 Billion others, but it's definitely not the same I can imagine having no solid faith in anything compared to others. If anything really I'm stripped to the essentials: me, myself, and I.
When you realize that nothing is necessary or absolute it's an interesting place. Because you start to question everything and anything that happens. There's no guideline or rulebook that says that Monday's are terrible and Friday's are our days off, yet millions of us continue to think that way. And I don't blame them, I used to think like that too but then I got sick that one time for 3 weeks. You guys remember that? I described the experience as an extraordinary education in my sense of time. Days flew by fast as my fever rose and shit just started hallucinating occasionally, lost A LOT of sleep those few weeks. But when I got healthier and started regaining my sense of time I realized how little it all meant. While I was grocery shopping at 2 my classmates were writing a math test, nothing was obligatory and I had all the time I could ever want in my hands for those few days. It really broke the schedule that is school life, and I mean the whole year. All the PA days, winter/summer breaks, field trips, etc. All of that fits into a early schedule where the year starts off in September and then ends in the Summer, but really doesn't the year start in January and end in December? I'm more of a visual learner so when I thought of this concept I imagined several sheets of calendar paper lines up horizontally, September being the farthest on the left and then August farthest on the right. But then there's a split almost halfway down the line: January. So which timeline would you follow? January or September? And who says that the New Year is symbolic anyways? EVERY day is New Year's if you believe that to be so, some people don't celebrate it anyways. But on the other hand we do need symbolism in our lives otherwise the meaning would fade and we'd lose a piece of our humanity. Anyways, enough of that I've done more than enough thinking for the both of us at this point.
Yeah I don't have enough time to write the story tonight, it'd have to take up an entire post and there's more than enough text already. So I guess I'll post it in the next post, probably tomorrow. In the meantime just read over what I wrote and think about it. The 2nd component to an experience is what you think of it and your opinions of it, otherwise it's just an event and not an experience. I hope you guys enjoyed the music that I posted, I'll add another video I just found about the idea of mortality. Here's to 2014!
Cheers, MarkL
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